Social Grace
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Recently, a small group of friends gathered for an early dinner on our back deck. Everyone brought something to contribute–a bouquet of flowers, baked chicken, corn on the cob, green salad, peach pie, and various libations. Sitting around the festive table, we settled in to enjoy the food, tell stories, and share tidbits of philosophical wisdom. Before long we were laughing and sighing and relaxing–basking in the pleasure of convivial company. At the end of the evening, everyone acknowledged how good it felt to be together– as well as how rare such gatherings seem to be these days.
It turns out, our experience isn’t unique. Many people are feeling less social and more socially awkward. A recent NIH study reported that social gatherings haven’t returned to pre-pandemic levels. While large events are back, everyday face-to-face socializing remains down. Instead, we’re spending social time at home tuned in to media and in- person socializing seems like more effort than pleasure. As a result of this social inertia, we’re feeling more disconnected, isolated, depressed, and anxious. In sum, not being social in real time is affecting our wellbeing. Maybe it’s time to plan a dinner with friends to rekindle some social grace and remember the joy of being together.
These longer days and mild nights of summer give us the perfect opportunity to share some good food, good conversation, and good feeling. It doesn’t have to be complicated. Simply invite a congenial group to come on over for dinner. Keep it small. Keep it simple. Your guests don’t want you to be exhausted so why not ask them to help out? When they pitch in, the party automatically becomes less formal. As I learned from my great Auntie Perle Mesta (“Hostess with the Mostess” in the 1940’s), making sure your guests feel welcome and comfortable is the key to a successful gathering.
Social grace goes beyond table settings and basic manners. It’s about the easy ambience you facilitate when you feel comfortable in your own body and help others feel comfortable in theirs. Keeping this in mind, here are some guidelines for your socially gracious dinner party.
For Hosts. Set the intention. This will be reflected in the guest list as well as visuals such as table setting and décor. The prep can be shared without being a random potluck. Just decide on a menu and ask friends to contribute. Take a moment before guests arrive to center your body-mind. Relaxing your body and clearing your mind opens the door to your innate social grace. Imagine the convivial evening ahead. Then, when your guests arrive, make introductions in a way that highlights common interests. As host, you set the tone for evening.
For Hosts and Guests. Show up and be present. Getting ready is more than showering and dressing. It’s also shifting from work mode to play mode. To do this, tune in to your body– softening your shoulders-jaw-eyes and feeling support from the ground up. Swinging and swaying to shake off the intensities of the day. Open your chest to take a few deep breaths, letting problems float away with each exhale. Open your heart, open your mind, open your expectations for the evening ahead.
For All. Remember your social graces. Staying tuned to your body will help you listen to others, make eye contact, and share space. Feel the delight of learning new things, seeing new perspectives, hearing a story well-told. Notice how a burst of spontaneous laughter forges a sense of belonging. And, as the evening unfolds, feel the collective sense of goodwill settle in. Because gratitude is one of the important social graces, find some poetic words at the end of the evening to say “thank you” for it all. Afterwards, don’t be surprised if you feel the glow of your dinner with friends lingering for days.
An uptick in our sense of wellbeing is a natural, predictable outcome of friendly social gatherings. When we sit around the table sharing tidbits of personal experience and community news, we’re drawn in to a tangible experience of wellbeing. We feel good about ourselves and each other. This is because being socially gracious changes our physiology in positive ways. Eating together, laughing together, being together induces feelings of pleasure–along with a good dose of endorphins. We loosen up. We discover affinities. Our creative juices start flowing. We feel connected. And, as we relax in good company, we’re flooded with a bit of the peptide oxytocin which enhances bonding, empathy, and trust. As it turns out, coming together and being together, enjoying the food and company, not only feels good, it’s good for us. So, why not take the initiative, shake off the funk of social inertia, and invite some friends over for dinner?
Originally published in the Montecito Journal